Monday, November 7, 2011

I don't blog because it hurts.

This might not be the happiest blog I ever write.  But it is the truth.  I want people to know how it really is.  Recently a high school friend sent me a message on FB encouraging me, it was great!  So nice to have someone you haven't spoken with in years take time out of there day to tell you that they were praying for you.  She wrote "I am encouraged by you and your strong spirit".  When I read it I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.  STRONG?!  BAHAHAHA  I lose it on a weekly daily hourly basis!  I question GOD!  I get mad at GOD!  (gasp!  oh the blasphemy!)  I get jealous when I see other moms and there children are "normal".  I ask "WHY ME?!"  EXAMPLE:  Abram had pre-op on Tuesday at Childrens Hospital.  When we got there I put him in his wheelchair, which he quickly complained about and said "No, Mommy stroller!"  As I begin wheeling him to the elevator he is dragging his arms.  I should have known better, white shirts and wheelchairs DON'T MIX!  "Abram hold your arms up."  I must had said that 100 times that day.  By the time we get to clinic 3 his pretty white shirt has black sleeves.  Figures.  SO, we wait for Dr. Oakes and wait.  Right as Dr. Oakes walks in, he greets Abram.  Abram says hello and then turns to me and says "Mommy I poop".  WONDERFUL!  The man we came and waited to see has finally come to our room only for it to slowly be filled with a nasty green haze.  Then Dr. Oakes proceeds to tell me that he is not concerned but WORRIED for Abram after the surgery.  The thoughts inside my head- "What?!!! Why are we here?!  #*@!$^&*  You are the one who told us if he didnt have the surgery he would never walk!!!" screaming "AAAHHHHH!"  I listened quietly to Dr. GOD Oakes (because he thinks he is God) as he showed his concerns for Abram and his trunk support.  Now I know that Abram slumps, and his PT knows it too.  And this just means that after surgery he will have to work much harder.  Discouraged and now questioning our decision, I left to go up stairs to meet with anesthesia.  Met with them.  Now, only to have to go back DOWN stairs to do bloodwork.  Oh bloodwork.  I had to hold Abram down while he was screaming for his life.  Both of us were shaking and sweating.  Then we had to go back up stairs to the parking deck, we were both SO ready to get out of there!  As we are leaving all i can think about is "God, I DID NOT sign up for this!"  I was furious.  But then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and convicted me.  I was quickly thankful that overall Abram is a healthy little 3 year old boy.  Who loves guns, robots and monster trucks.  And the hospital that was behind us, was filled with sick and possibly dieing children.  I dont want to despise the fact that Abram has a disability, or ignore it either!  May God keep me humble, to know that we are not the only family who has to deal with a disablility.  And may God keep Abram humble, to know that the world does not revolve around him.  Even though AT TIMES it does. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Funeral Arrangements

Ha! If your reading this you might be wondering "who died?". Well, no one yet. Call me morbid but as I was trying sleep last night all I could think about was what would my funeral be like. I have always known that I wanted my funeral to different from a traditional funeral.
First and most importantly there will be NO open casket, if any casket at all. If it's possible all of my organs will be donated, EVERYTHING even my skin! I won't need any of it anyway. Aren't we promised a new body??? Heck Yes! I do want, lovely pictures of me and my family all around.
Second, no one is wearing black! Don't get me wrong, I love the color black. Its slimming! But not at my funeral, only bright colors! Everyone is to wear their favorite color.
Third, no crying people! I don't want sob stories, only fun stories of my past. I'm sure Doug can come up with something funny, he's so witty.
Fourth, Instead of a grave site afterwards I would prefer a reception. One with a chocolate fountain and fresh stawberries and bananas to dip into. With all of my favorite foods! We might need to get this catered.
Fithe, I want people to bring there kids with them. I also want every child to leave with a balloon and a goodie bag. And the balloons should be primary colors. There my favorite.

SO... That's about it!

Friday, June 17, 2011


First, let me start off by saying that I have broken little Asa's heart by sitting on the bed alone to write this blog. This post has been marinating in my brain for 2 weeks, it is time to get it out.

Twice a week Asher and Abram have been attending a land and water class at Lakeshore Foundation and they absolutely LOVE it! The physilities are incredible! People train for the Olympics here! (I keep hoping we might run into Micheal Phelps one day, just a thought). The class is for typical (meaning- children who do not have a disabily) and non-typical (meaning- children who do have a disability) children. Asher is one of the few, if not the only, "typical" child in the class. I thought I might have to have some sort of talk with him eventually about the other kids. But NO! He has never asked about any of the kids in the class. WOW! I love it! I love that my boys will grow up knowing that not everyone was born... (I hate using this word) perfect. Somedays I would give my life for Abram to be completely whole and other days I wouldn't change it for anything. After being at Lakeshore... I wouldn't change Abram one bit! I love being around some of the happiest kids on earth. They don't know that they are different! And neither does Asher!

After Abram was born, at first I was scared- (well SCARED doesn't really describe the feeling, but it will have to do) scared of his disability, his limitations. Then I realized what I was really scared of, it was his potential and that I would miss something that would help him reach it. That is why I/we (because this is a family journey) do everything we possibly can to help not just Abram but Asher and Asa James too, to reach there maximum potential in this short life.

I end with my new favorite quote, "Strength does not come from a physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.". -Gandhi

Thursday, June 2, 2011

the Happenings

 Asher got new glasses, GREAT!  He is not real sure how he feels about them yet.  We have tried our best to keep it possitive and not say things like "sorry buddy you have to wear glasses for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!"  He keeps trying to find ways not to have them on, and has asked "do i have to wear them...
- while I am swimming?
- when i wrestle Daddy?
- in the car?
- while watching tv?
- when i sleep?
- and so on and so on...

This was graduation weekend.  Asher graduated from kindergarten on Friday and Abram graduated from The Bell Center on Sunday.  It was a very busy weekend!  Asher did great and looked adorable too!  Abram's graduation was the sweetest thing in the world!  At first, I thought whats the point?  He is turning 3 and leaving the program but now i get it.  The therapist, teachers and students devote SO much time and effort that they deserve a graduation.  The video below is Abram walking to get his diploma, get your tissues cause its a tear jerker!  Well, it was for us at least.  

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm Just Not That Into You

Dear Blog,
I am writing to you only out of love but the truth must be told. Im just not that into you. I wish our time together was more enjoyable but sadly it is not. Although I lothe you... I will NOT quit on you. For better or worse, til death do us part. Just so you know, I am only in it for the children. I can only hope and pray that we can mend our relationship but I am just not happy with you.


It is true! I get nauseated when I think about this darn blog! But in some sick and torturous way... It somehow helps. Honesty. I can be honest and I can be real. I just hate be vulnerable and weak and that is just how this blog makes me feel. Ugh! I spit on you, blog! OK now let's hug and make up.

Enough of that... It's been a crazy (normal) week! Appointments or school stuff ALL week and the dryer broke then the fridge quit cooling. At one point yesterday the repair man was here and I stepped outside screamed to the top of my lungs, pulled a few chunkes of hair out then returned feeling much better. Be honest, you've been there too!

On a happy thought! Abram was accepted into Hand in Hand Early Learning Center! Not sure how we will pay for it (it's almost as much as our mortgage every month) so I applied for a scholarship. Special kids are especially expensive! But this school is THE best for kids with special needs. They also have typical kids as well, which I'm all about some inclusion. He will love it! I am so glad that Abram does SO well in a classroom setting, he thrives in it!

Well, I must wrap up since I have 3 minutes until the kiddos get up. Now let's hope the new milk in the fridge is cold instead of warm like yesterday morning.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

One of THOSE Moms

A few attributes of One of THOSE Moms:
- Always needing a girls night out...or majarita.
- Desperate for adult conversation, even willing to talk to complete strangers.
- Can never get enough alone time or sleep.
- Constantly talking about needing a vacation.
- Her clothes don't fit or they have holes in them (but the kids look good).
- Buying a sweet tea at ChickfilA not because you really want or NEED it, only because you asked and it was given to you...for $1.67. And you don't have to share it!

Yep, that's me! I have turned into ONE OF THOSE MOMS! I swore it would never happen but life has gotten the best of me... For now at least. I find it funny that I used to think "what's the big deal with all these moms who hate being a mom?". I only thought that when I had 1 child. And I must say, Asher was the best first child! So compliant, loving, funny and an absolute joy to be around! I often wonder "are my children a joy? Or a burden?" I so badly want them to be a joy and a delight to be around. But sadly, they just aren't....sometimes! Ha! I do believe that your children are a direct reflection of you, and that freaks me OUT! I don't always like what I see in me and in my kids! But I know that if I do my best HE will do the rest! (and I don't think that is scripture, I just keep telling myself that). In the meantime I am going to keep running the race! And at the end I might not be first but at least I did my best!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Road to Rhizotomy

What is Rhizotomy?
A rhizotomy is a neurosurgical procedure that selectively severs problematic nerve roots in the spinal cord, most often to relieve the symptoms of neuromuscular conditions such as spastic diplegia and other forms of spastic cerebral palsy. ...
Yeppers!  This is the path we are on!  A long, bumpy, scary and faith-building path.  It began in February, at Spasticity Clinic with several doctors and therapists.  We were (in a nut shell) told that if Abram didn't have Rhizotomy (scheduled for November 7th) that he wouldn't walk.  Now you might be thinking, "but he has a walker and i have seen him walk?!"  Well, yes he does walk just not very good, and the likelihood of him struggling to walk everyday on his own is not promising.  He would probably end up just using a wheelchair.  Abram is entirely TOO bright to be stuck in a wheel chair.  He thinks, acts and talks like a 3 year old!  It's just his body that doesn't work like typical kids. 
SO, our prayers for this year are 1) God will return before November 7th or 2) We would just wake up one morning and Abram is completely healed!!!  BUT, if neither of those happen God will still get all the glory!  And the Bible says that in the twinkling of an eye we will all be whole!  What a great sight it will be, to see Abram RUNNING into his Saviors arms!  I hold tightly to this promise, some days it is what gets me through.  We have a great God  , who has taken care of us this far and I am sure he will be holding my sweet angel on November 7th as doctors open up his spine and sever nerves permanently.
Our Prayer needs for "before Surgery" are:
-Abram would consistently get physically stronger.
-Abram's MRI would be fine for surgery.
-Abram's hips would not get any tighter (we are working on this).
-Abram will stand longer and walk faster.
-That United HealthCare would approve Abram to have more than just 20 PT visits a year.

Our Prayer needs for "after surgery" are:
- His Mother wont lose it! HA!
-Abram will heal quickly
-Abram will respond to Physical Therapy wonderfully!  (which will be twice a day for several weeks!!!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'm Still Here

WOW, OK, so I am stopping to take a deep breathe and vent a little (honestly it's more like whining).  First- I LOVE my Sequoia and I don't think I ever want any other SUV.  Of course an updated version in about 3 years would be nice.  But, I don't want to spend all week in my car!!!  Let me explain, Abram just started a 4-day a week class at The Bell Center.  Which is GREAT!  Right?  A resounding YES!  But that means a 30 minute drive there and back 8 times a week!  Well, now that I spell that out it doesn't sound so bad.  OK, I really am just whining!  You know you are in the car entirely too much when you know ALL of the answers to Mickey's questions and you haven't even seen the video.
I'm done.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

it's all good in the hood...

this has to be a quick blog but at least its something!  "it's all good in the hood" came from an ET shirt that asher has, it cracks me up EVERY TIME he wears it!  things have been ca-ray-zzy since i last blogged.  when i looked at this weeks calendar i really thought "good, a down week", boy was i wrong! 
so, today when we got back from the bell center i put the boys down for their nap and i thought i would get outside and walk/run a bit.  it felt great!  the feeling of being FREE, no diapers, no mess, no laundry!  as i searched for just the right music on my ipod, i chose hillsong united -to the ends of the earth.  track 3 - FREE- came on, and it was so fitting.  it says,
"would you believe me if i said that God can make miracles happen today?" "would you believe me if i said that you don't have to wait for the answers before you step out in faith?" " would you believe me if i said nothing is ever impossible for God?" 
i have heard this song a million times but today was different.  today it wasn't just a song, it was from God himself.  He was right beside me, listening to all my fears and doubts.  even though we might have to make some very hard decisions, HE will be with us.  it's all good in the hood.... for now  

Saturday, February 12, 2011

fix wheels

since Doug was out of town today the boys and i stayed home and just hung out.  we had several visitors stop by like Momers, Paul and even Pappa came over for a little bit.  the kids LOVED it and they kept us laughing the whole day!
so, i posted this picture of Abram in his walker so you could get a visual.  that is not actually his walker but it is very similar to the one he has now.  if you don't know already Abram has cerebral palsy and needs a walker and AFO's (ankle and foot orthotics) to walk.  we have to start upping the amount of time in his walker, so today we walked for about an hour total.  i also took the wheel lock off so now his wheels swivel.  when Abram is in the walker i normally have to find some sort of motivation to get him to walk.  tonight, Elmo had crashed in the hallway and needed rescuing and he was on it, until getting sidetracked and saying over and over "momma fix wheels stuck."  even though he has such a hard time walking, crawling, eating and talking he still has a smile on his face.  for a kid who should be mad!  he isn't.  he amazes me daily with new words like "that's better", which he told Dr. Law on Thursday after Dr. Law removed his AFO's.  life just isn't fair but this is what we were given and in the end GOD will get ALL the glory.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Used Therapy

since yesterday was a little intense (and by a little i mean a LOT)  i thought today would be a good day for some retail therapy!  (and when i say retail, i really mean consigned/used, YEAH that's right Duggar style!)  so i met Brandy and Maddie  at a Whale of a Sale to dig around.  we found several good items, but most importantly Maddie found a pink tutu to add to her collection.  Abram found a "special prize" since he didn't get one yesterday, and Asa found a jar of toy cookies that you count.  i cant wait to hit up a few more consignment sales before spring hits!  then we hit up Costco and Chickfila and by the time i got home Abram had a nice poopy all over his lower half.  Now they are all sleeping and hopefully Doug and i will get to watch the social network.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

1 more go

i know, i know! i haven't posted anything in over 2 years but... i have been inspired by the lovely, fashionable, and oh-so-sweet Lindsey Lowe. who's blog is AMAZING! i can guarantee you mine won't even come close to hers. anyway, the next few years in the Duncan house are going to be full, (at times) difficult, demanding, and (hopefully) rewarding. so i thought i would journal it. i know this is not going to be an easy task for me, because i do NOT like being vulnerable, but if you dare hang on for the ride, i promise you will see the heart of the Duncan's and our precious boys.