Monday, November 7, 2011

I don't blog because it hurts.

This might not be the happiest blog I ever write.  But it is the truth.  I want people to know how it really is.  Recently a high school friend sent me a message on FB encouraging me, it was great!  So nice to have someone you haven't spoken with in years take time out of there day to tell you that they were praying for you.  She wrote "I am encouraged by you and your strong spirit".  When I read it I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.  STRONG?!  BAHAHAHA  I lose it on a weekly daily hourly basis!  I question GOD!  I get mad at GOD!  (gasp!  oh the blasphemy!)  I get jealous when I see other moms and there children are "normal".  I ask "WHY ME?!"  EXAMPLE:  Abram had pre-op on Tuesday at Childrens Hospital.  When we got there I put him in his wheelchair, which he quickly complained about and said "No, Mommy stroller!"  As I begin wheeling him to the elevator he is dragging his arms.  I should have known better, white shirts and wheelchairs DON'T MIX!  "Abram hold your arms up."  I must had said that 100 times that day.  By the time we get to clinic 3 his pretty white shirt has black sleeves.  Figures.  SO, we wait for Dr. Oakes and wait.  Right as Dr. Oakes walks in, he greets Abram.  Abram says hello and then turns to me and says "Mommy I poop".  WONDERFUL!  The man we came and waited to see has finally come to our room only for it to slowly be filled with a nasty green haze.  Then Dr. Oakes proceeds to tell me that he is not concerned but WORRIED for Abram after the surgery.  The thoughts inside my head- "What?!!! Why are we here?!  #*@!$^&*  You are the one who told us if he didnt have the surgery he would never walk!!!" screaming "AAAHHHHH!"  I listened quietly to Dr. GOD Oakes (because he thinks he is God) as he showed his concerns for Abram and his trunk support.  Now I know that Abram slumps, and his PT knows it too.  And this just means that after surgery he will have to work much harder.  Discouraged and now questioning our decision, I left to go up stairs to meet with anesthesia.  Met with them.  Now, only to have to go back DOWN stairs to do bloodwork.  Oh bloodwork.  I had to hold Abram down while he was screaming for his life.  Both of us were shaking and sweating.  Then we had to go back up stairs to the parking deck, we were both SO ready to get out of there!  As we are leaving all i can think about is "God, I DID NOT sign up for this!"  I was furious.  But then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and convicted me.  I was quickly thankful that overall Abram is a healthy little 3 year old boy.  Who loves guns, robots and monster trucks.  And the hospital that was behind us, was filled with sick and possibly dieing children.  I dont want to despise the fact that Abram has a disability, or ignore it either!  May God keep me humble, to know that we are not the only family who has to deal with a disablility.  And may God keep Abram humble, to know that the world does not revolve around him.  Even though AT TIMES it does. 

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